When I Die
by ChuganiiMogi
Summary: "I feel, but I don't."/ Depressed and suicidal Teruhashi, wild mentions of SaiTeru. Everything is alright in the end. Swears and suicidal/depressing thoughts throughout. Implied suicide attempt, I suggest you don't read if you are triggered easily.


**_A/N I have no proper plan on this one._** **_But I know that I want this to be dedicated to SaiTeru, I'm trying to start watching the anime again, but I'm so caught up in watching the animes I haven't been able to watch for a while._**

 ** _Warning_** : **_S_** ** _uicidal thoughts , self harm, and depression are put into Teruhashi's character. Swears are also throughout._**

 ** _DISCLAIMER: I don't own The Disas_** ** _trous Life of Saiki K._**

* * *

 _May 23, 2043_

Before, I thought I'd die a natural death, like being as old as I can and dying with my grandchildren, children, nephews, nieces, brother, and maybe my husband around me. Then, when my husband dies, his grave would be beside mine, or vice versa.

Now, I'm not so sure. I might just die a lonely death. I can honestly imagine a youthful death, now, too. My family standing around me and weeping.

Death.

The one thing I used to be scared of the most. But now, it just seems like the most appealing thing a hopeless girl could ask for. Just knowing he'd never love me, easily makes me think these thoughts. There's more to it, though. I'll count them down, from the most important reason, to the least.

1) Knowing I was never actually loved, not by my parents, not by my brother or admirers, and most importantly, not by him.

2) The way I have to put up that fucking mask of a perfect girl, inside and out.

3) Being pampered like I'm a doll, that's only used if somebody needs something to admire.

4) The way I love him, the way he treats me, the way I act like a lovesick puppy over him. He treats me like an actual human being, like how I actually am. Just a girl that's in the background of everyday life.

5) How I know people will miss me, but eventually forget about me.

I could rant on and on in my mind. But it doesn't change anything, does it? I'm smart enough to cut where nobody ever sees. My thighs and chest.

Oh, how painful, yet wonderous it is to feel. But, I feel nothing. I feel, but I don't.

It may sound off-putting, but, whatever, I can think what I want to think.

* * *

 _June 3, 2043_

Why is he suddenly the one coming towards me? Why, now?

Nobody really noticed my change in mood outside of this house, nor inside of it.

But it seems like he did. I bet that it's just my imagination, but then again, I don't.

I want to get it over with, I really do. But not when he looks at me with his listless eyes, as if he's telling me to not even think about trying to do anything to myself.

What the hell.

I swear.

It's as if he knows what I think, every second of everyday. I feel weird, like something's forcing me away from this hellhole. Then again, it's probably the fact that I'm being a retard.

But I feel this surge of energy that courses through me sometimes, and it makes me think of all the good things that could come if I don't end my life. I mean, again, it's probably me being retarded, but everytime.

It bothers me that it shows me, in a life where I grow old with him, and die the way I've always wanted to. Fuck, I'm seriously going insane, aren't I?

I'm starting to feel. I don't want to, but I am.

* * *

 _June 6, 2043_

I wanted to gasp for air as I cut. It was painful, I didn't like the feeling anymore. Does that mean I'm getting better? I doubt it.

Why is it, that so suddenly, he starts talking to me, and I want to open up to him, really I do.

But I can't handle the humiliation I'll feel when he stares at me with disgust in his eyes as I talk about my suicidal ideas.

I want to die.

I want to die.

I want to die.

But I'm a coward, aren't I?

I should've done it by now!

Fuck it.

 ** _FUCK IT ALL._**

* * *

 _September 17, 2044_

It's been over a year since this happened. I was so close to dying. So close.

He was psychic. He knew. He knew about my depression, my suicidal thoughts, everything.

At first, I felt angry, angry at him, myself, and everyone else.

He helped me through it, though. I knew he was trying to help. And I eventually gave in.

I love Saiki Kusuo. From his personality to his powers.

From here on out, I'll open up to him and I hope he'll eventually open up to me, too.

Cheers,

 _~Teruhashi Kokomi 204_ _4-2045_

* * *

 ** _A/N_**

 ** _I hope it wasn't all that depressing. I can't handle super sad things_** ** _, but I sometimes make exceptions._** ** _Thanks for reading, bye!_**


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